Thursday, March 24, 2011

Top 10 - Shitty Films I Can't Help But Watch Every Goddamn Time They Come on TV

You know what I'm talking about.  Sunday morning.  You wake up in your bed, under the covers, still wearing shoes.  The only way you can remember what you did last night is by reading the fading bar stamps on the back of your hand, like substance-abused version of the guy from Memento.

Making it to the couch is a monumental effort.  You try the Jedi Mind Trick on the remote, but it barely moves.  So you smash the 'Power' button and hope for the best.  And one of two stations is on.  TNT, or TBS.  Ted Turner owes me so many hours of my life back, it's not even funny.

10.)

Cause a grown man watching movies about teenage gymnasts is completely normal.  But hey, The Dude is in it.

9.)

Johnny 5 is alive!  Plus Steve Guttenberg.  ADMIT IT, you miss the son of a bitch.  And his perm.

8.)  

A movie about a goddamn huge crocodile.  In Maine.  And Betty White tells a guy to suck a dick.  Back when such a thought was out-of-the-ordinary.

7.)  

Flat out awful.  Gene Hackman collecting a paycheck.  The football footage from Point Break was better.  But it makes me cheer.

6.)  

Oh come on.  Dalton.  Greased up.  Rippin' throats.  'Nuff said.

5.)  

One of Jon Lithgow's most ridiculous performances.  Which is really saying something.  Makes you appreciate Stallone's 'subtlety'.  

4.)  

"Let off some steam, Bennett."

3.)  

Nerdy guy hangs out with a department store mannequin who comes to life - and as it turns out, she's a slut.  Only a guy could write that shit, right?  

Wait let me check IMDb...oh, I stand corrected!  It was two guys....

2.)  

Are you kidding me?  Without a doubt the best movie ever made about a talking monkey who helps a group of corporate-sponsored nitwits find lasers in Africa.  

What up, V.  Tell your sis I said hi.

Oh!  Fun Fact:  Take a closer look at the pilot of their plane into the Congo.  Look familiar?  I'll give ya a hint:  he's a "Son of a Son of a Sailor"....

1.)  And the winner is......

Where to begin?

Kevin Bacon's hair?  Kevin Bacon's accent?  Mr. Steven Keaton and Reba McEntire as married, gun-crazy hillbillies?  That little Chinese guy from The Golden Child?  And, oh yeah....gigantic, blind underground worms who eat white trash.  

Make some popcorn, fool - we're stayin' in tonight.

What about you guys?










4 comments:

Little J said...

I can't vote on the movies... we always get stuck drinking again on Sundays. Damn those bottomless mimosa brunches for $30 - they clearly have no idea how much I drink. We do need to get you a better way to remember what happened the night before - I'll work on that for June in VA Beach - my friends take the approach of posting 200 photos on facebook by 10am...

Lola Lakely said...

I still secretely wish Johnny 5 were my best friend.

I'm adding Labyrinth to the list. Because it's bad but it's oh, so, good.

And get your ass over to my Mastubation/Meditation post.

*uncorked said...

Congo. Such a fantastically terrible movie. And duh, they weren't looking for lasers. They were looking for diamonds to power the lasers.

Although I must admit to being a little scared of your now not-so-secret love of high school gymnasts.

The Faux Trixie said...

Whoa, these are pretty horrific.

I will always watch Mean Girls, Outbreak, Bring It On, and the Devil's Advocate.

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