Thursday, March 24, 2011

Top 10 - Shitty Films I Can't Help But Watch Every Goddamn Time They Come on TV

You know what I'm talking about.  Sunday morning.  You wake up in your bed, under the covers, still wearing shoes.  The only way you can remember what you did last night is by reading the fading bar stamps on the back of your hand, like substance-abused version of the guy from Memento.

Making it to the couch is a monumental effort.  You try the Jedi Mind Trick on the remote, but it barely moves.  So you smash the 'Power' button and hope for the best.  And one of two stations is on.  TNT, or TBS.  Ted Turner owes me so many hours of my life back, it's not even funny.


Cause a grown man watching movies about teenage gymnasts is completely normal.  But hey, The Dude is in it.


Johnny 5 is alive!  Plus Steve Guttenberg.  ADMIT IT, you miss the son of a bitch.  And his perm.


A movie about a goddamn huge crocodile.  In Maine.  And Betty White tells a guy to suck a dick.  Back when such a thought was out-of-the-ordinary.


Flat out awful.  Gene Hackman collecting a paycheck.  The football footage from Point Break was better.  But it makes me cheer.


Oh come on.  Dalton.  Greased up.  Rippin' throats.  'Nuff said.


One of Jon Lithgow's most ridiculous performances.  Which is really saying something.  Makes you appreciate Stallone's 'subtlety'.  


"Let off some steam, Bennett."


Nerdy guy hangs out with a department store mannequin who comes to life - and as it turns out, she's a slut.  Only a guy could write that shit, right?  

Wait let me check IMDb...oh, I stand corrected!  It was two guys....


Are you kidding me?  Without a doubt the best movie ever made about a talking monkey who helps a group of corporate-sponsored nitwits find lasers in Africa.  

What up, V.  Tell your sis I said hi.

Oh!  Fun Fact:  Take a closer look at the pilot of their plane into the Congo.  Look familiar?  I'll give ya a hint:  he's a "Son of a Son of a Sailor"....

1.)  And the winner is......

Where to begin?

Kevin Bacon's hair?  Kevin Bacon's accent?  Mr. Steven Keaton and Reba McEntire as married, gun-crazy hillbillies?  That little Chinese guy from The Golden Child?  And, oh yeah....gigantic, blind underground worms who eat white trash.  

Make some popcorn, fool - we're stayin' in tonight.

What about you guys?

Thursday, March 10, 2011

"They're coming to get you, Barbara!"

Got my mail today, and inside the box was a my favorite kind of mail - a manila package envelope marked ''.  This week it was my Season One Blu-Ray of The Walking Dead.  Yup, I got an instant geek-boner, not gonna lie.

Re-watched the first episode.  I will tell you this - if there is ever a zombie-apocalypse, I am investing in two things, and two things only:

1.)  An electric car.

2.)  A sword.

Why?  Think about it.  Every goddamn zombie movie has that moment, where the hero's car is almost on 'E'.  He pulls slowly up to the deserted gas station - you can always hear the tires coming to a stop on the pavement, cause they need to remind us just how quiet it is.  TOO QUIET!

He tests the pump, just to be sure; always with this extreme look of disappointment on his face.  Of course there's no gas in the pump, Fucknut.  And I got more bad news for ya - chances are, there's a muthafuckin' zombie hanging out in the gas station bathroom.  And he's probably one of those gnarly ones whose mouth has deteriorated to the point where he has no lips - just a very large smile and gums.  So sad - the SOB attacks you where you're most vulnerable - on the shitter.

Apparently, most zombies, while no longer possessing higher brain functions, seem to retain their more white-trash sensibilities....

So an electric car - while you may not look cool, you will go farther in between fill-ups.  For once, the little metrosexual guy driving the Prius is king.

And the broad sword?  Think about it.  A gun runs out of bullets.  A bow and arrow can have an empty quill. Hell, even a sling shot is useless if you don't have a pebble.

But a broadsword?  Doesn't run out of shit - and it always has the power to do this:

In the immortal words of Mr. Tallahassee, "Time to nut up or shut up."

What would you bring, dear readers?

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