Saturday, February 26, 2011

The 1st Annual Clusterf*ck Awards for Cinematic Achievement!

Ok, February 27th is the big night.  Oscar night.  Most of you don't give a shit.  That's because you have lives.

I currently, do not.

But I get that many of you find them boring.  They have become a shiny example of all that's wrong with the industry in the first place.    If I want to see a room full of ridiculously rich, surgically altered pretty people have smoke blown up their ass for three hours, I'll go to 'Cougar Night' over at Beachfire in Ladera Ranch.

We need some awards that people give a shit about!  Who better to do it than someone with waaaaay too much time on their hands?

So, dear readers, I give you, for the first time, THE CACA'S!

Ok, the title needs work....

BEST FIGHT:

Winner:  Arthur (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and the nameless henchman - Inception


BEST SCENE OF GETTIN' IT ON:

Winner:  Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis - Black Swan


**A Special Honorary CACA to Mr. Darren Aronofsky for his amazing vision and foresight in coming up with this scene.  The male gender thanks you.


BEST USE OF THE WORD 'FUCK':

Winner:  'Bertie'; King George VI (Colin Firth) - The King's Speech:

"Fuck  Fuck!  Fuck, fuck, fuck, and fuck!  Fuck, fuck, and Bugger!  Bugger, bugger, buggerty, buggerty, buggerty, fuck, fuck, arse!  Balls, balls, fuckity shit, shit, fuck, and willy!  Willy, shit and fuck and.....tits."


BEST MOMENT OF GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE:

Winner:  Robin Longstride - or falsely of Loxley - (Russell Crowe) - Robin Hood:

Fuck YouTube - apparently, there's no video - but he shoots the guy through the face from about 1,000 yards.  Through the back of his neck and continuing on through his right cheek.  So cool.

RUNNER UP:

The Predator; like only he can do:


BEST FACT I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES THIS YEAR:

Winner:  The Kids are Alright:  Lesbians watch gay male porn.  Who knew?

RUNNER UP:  A tuna will destroy a lion, if not in a fresh water source (I'm assuming off the coast of South Africa).  9 times out of 10.


So there it is.  I loved The King's Speech - but if it beats The Social Network for Best Picture - I'll punch a small child.  Night everyone.





1 comment:

*uncorked said...

Your awards were far more entertaining than the actual Oscars. Soooo boring.

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