Saturday, February 26, 2011

The 1st Annual Clusterf*ck Awards for Cinematic Achievement!

Ok, February 27th is the big night.  Oscar night.  Most of you don't give a shit.  That's because you have lives.

I currently, do not.

But I get that many of you find them boring.  They have become a shiny example of all that's wrong with the industry in the first place.    If I want to see a room full of ridiculously rich, surgically altered pretty people have smoke blown up their ass for three hours, I'll go to 'Cougar Night' over at Beachfire in Ladera Ranch.

We need some awards that people give a shit about!  Who better to do it than someone with waaaaay too much time on their hands?

So, dear readers, I give you, for the first time, THE CACA'S!

Ok, the title needs work....

BEST FIGHT:

Winner:  Arthur (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and the nameless henchman - Inception


BEST SCENE OF GETTIN' IT ON:

Winner:  Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis - Black Swan


**A Special Honorary CACA to Mr. Darren Aronofsky for his amazing vision and foresight in coming up with this scene.  The male gender thanks you.


BEST USE OF THE WORD 'FUCK':

Winner:  'Bertie'; King George VI (Colin Firth) - The King's Speech:

"Fuck  Fuck!  Fuck, fuck, fuck, and fuck!  Fuck, fuck, and Bugger!  Bugger, bugger, buggerty, buggerty, buggerty, fuck, fuck, arse!  Balls, balls, fuckity shit, shit, fuck, and willy!  Willy, shit and fuck and.....tits."


BEST MOMENT OF GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE:

Winner:  Robin Longstride - or falsely of Loxley - (Russell Crowe) - Robin Hood:

Fuck YouTube - apparently, there's no video - but he shoots the guy through the face from about 1,000 yards.  Through the back of his neck and continuing on through his right cheek.  So cool.

RUNNER UP:

The Predator; like only he can do:


BEST FACT I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES THIS YEAR:

Winner:  The Kids are Alright:  Lesbians watch gay male porn.  Who knew?

RUNNER UP:  A tuna will destroy a lion, if not in a fresh water source (I'm assuming off the coast of South Africa).  9 times out of 10.


So there it is.  I loved The King's Speech - but if it beats The Social Network for Best Picture - I'll punch a small child.  Night everyone.





Thursday, February 24, 2011

Top Ten Movie Quotes of 2010

In honor of the Academy Awards this weekend, I am going to try and put up a movie post each day until Sunday.  Ok, yeah, it probably won't happen.  Fuck off, I'm trying!

Here are my favorite quotes from the various flicks of 2010.  By all means, feel free to add your favorites in the comments.


10.)  "Sunnyside is a place of ruin and despair, ruled by an evil bear who smells of stawberries." -- Mr. Pricklepants (Timothy Dalton), Toy Story 3


9.)  "This guy did not just get off the fuckin' couch.  If he did, I'm gonna get a couch like that." -- Mickey (Mark Wahlberg), The Fighter


8.)  "This meal is terrible.  It tastes like roasted dog asshole.  I asked myself, 'Who would slow-roast a dog's asshole and feed it to me'?  You would." --Allen (Will Ferrell), The Other Guys


7.)  "You write your snide bullshit from a dark room, because that is what the angry do nowadays." -- Erica (Rooney Mara), The Social Network


6.)  Stacey:  "Did you really see a future with this girl?"
      Scott:  "Like...with jetpacks?" -- Stacey and Scott Pilgrim (Anna Kendrick and Michael Cera), Scott Pilgrim vs. the World


5.)  "Oh my God!  I'm gonna cum!  Shia Lebeouf!" -- Lou (Rob Cordrey), Hot Tub Time Machine


4.)  "I think that if your clients want to sit on my shoulders and call themselves tall, they have the right to give it  a try - but there is no requirement that I enjoy sitting here, listening to people lie.  You have part of my attention - you have the minimal amount.  The rest of my attention is back at the offices of Facebook, where my colleagues and I are doing things that no one in this room, including and especially your clients, are intellectually or creatively capable of doing. [pauses] Did I accurately answer your condescending question?"  -- Mark Zuckerberg (Jesse Eisenberg), The Social Network


3.)  "There are very few fiddle tunes I've not heard.  Once heard, they are locked in my mind forever.  It is a sadness to me that I have sausage fingers that cannot crowd onto a fretboard....little fat girls at cotillion." -- Rooster Cogburn (Jeff Bridges), True Grit


2.)  "I'm 6'5", 220 lbs. and there are two of me!" -- Tyler Winklevoss (Armie Hammer), The Social Network


1.)  Kick Ass: "How do I get a hold of you?"
      Hit Girl:  "You just contact the mayor's office.  He has a special signal that he shines in the sky; it's in the shape of a giant cock." -- Hit Girl (Chloe Moretz), Kick-Ass



Friday, February 18, 2011

Look at This F*cking Clown.....

I don't have much in the way of fears.  Yeah, we've talked about my one true phobia before.  But I don't mind spiders or snakes.  Closed spaces don't make me break out in a cold sweat.  And I'm pretty much the opposite of those people who would rather kill themselves than speak in public.

I actually like to challenge the things that make my skin prickle.  Makes me feel like I'm in some semblance of control.  When I found out as a young kid that I had a paralyzing fear of heights?  I solved it by jumping out of a plane (it works, trust me).

Now, I'm not trying to convince all of you how tough I am.  As a matter of fact, I should have actually begun this post by saying, "I don't have much in the way of rational fears".

Spiders, heights, water - those are BOR-RING.  It's the irrational creepers that keep life spicy.  What do I mean?  Glad you asked.

My friend 'C' is reduced to jelly when she gets anywhere near a goose.
NOT THAT GOOSE!

Better.  

One of my ex-girlfriends would lose-her-shit when, in traffic, I stopped under an overpass on the freeway.  Because of possible earthquakes.

And the best one?  My 'V'?  Absolutely terrified of....Kevin Spacey.  The toughest woman that I know is plum terrified of Hopper from A Bug's Life.  Yup, back off fellas, she's all mine....

So what am I getting at?  Well, for a guy who likes to attack his fears head on, and steam full ahead when in situations that some might balk at?  There is one thing that reduces me to a puddle of goo:


JESUSCHRISTFUCKINGSHIT!!!  

(Panting.....)

Whew.  Sorry about that little outburst.  Didn't mean to offend you religious folk.  But dammit, he still gets to me.  I would like to introduce all of you to Pennywise.  He is the immaculately evil clown from Stephen King's IT.  Holy hell in a hallway, I hate this sonofabitch.  

Last night, like the sometimes self-loathing individual that I can be, I popped the movie in (although the book is far more terrifying), and settled in to finally get over this fear.  I mean, he's a fictitious demon circus performer.  I can beat this!  I am a responsible-ish, 33 year old man!

Yeah....no.  Made it through 23 minutes and 17 seconds.  And I literally checked under my bed before climbing into it.  That's the bullshit thing about fear - there's nothing rational about it. 

 Damn you, Pennywise, you win again.  This time.......


Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day....


....makes my balls itch.

Ok, have you ever looked into the history of this silly, Hallmark holiday?  It's about St. Valentine, right, the Roman martyr?  Look it up, you'll find a rather suspect story about how St. Val was persecuted as a Christian by the Roman Emperor Claudius II, who tried and failed to get him to convert to Roman paganism (which would've saved his life).  He refused, and was executed - but not before apparently performing a miracle and healing a blind jailer's daughter.  The letter he wrote to her in his final minutes, professing his love to her, is believed to be the first valentine.

Oh yeah, well guess what?  There are no less than 14 martyred saints named Valentine in ancient Roman history.  And there seems to be a conflicting report about that the letter that he wrote to the jailer's daughter just before his death - the one signed, "From Your Valentine"?  He was begging for his frigging life, according to several historical accounts.  Whiny little bitch.

Why such animosity, you may ask?  How did I spend my Valentine's Day?  I spent it saying goodbye to my girl, who I spent the entire week with, trapped in my little apartment.  Enjoying each other on a very simple level.  Two people who dig each other and can find fun in the simplest of acts.  Like watching Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves for the 50th time (collectively) while drinking and eating leftovers.  Or laughing hysterically at my impression of the penguin Topper from Santa Claus is Coming to Town.

So today, on February 14th, the so-called 'Most Romantic Day of the Year'?  I had to put her on a plane and watch as she left Cali, headed back to Chi-Town.  So in honor of how I feel about this faux-liday:




Screw V-Day.  Miss you, Baby.




Tuesday, February 1, 2011

California Dreamin.....

I moved here to sunny southern California 10 years ago from Indiana.  Everyone in Indiana has questioned that decision - my parents, my sister, my friends, my doctor....let's see who's right.


1.)  Let's see.  My old home?  It's right under that big red 'L' on the right.  

--My new one?  It's the one currently chilling in a nice shade of grey waaaaaaay over on the left.  Grey is awesome when it comes to being on a weather map.

2.)  My girl lives in Chicago.  Tonight she saw two cross country skiers heading down Lawrence Avenue on the North side.  That is, until they got taken out by the wind.

--When I came back from the store a little bit ago, I saw a couple heading back to the apartment across from mine after getting out of one of our complex's hot tubs.  (To be fair, the girl did have a t-shirt on over her bikini top - it is a bit chilly).

3.)  My sister's father-in-law (who is actually an awesome guy) took a bad spill on the ice in the driveway this morning, broke his head open, and needed stitches while nursing a concussion.

--While at the office today, I got lemon juice right in my hangnail.  It smarted.

Ok, let me tally up the score....carry the two...

Yup, I've got it at:  Drew/Southern Cali - 3, Midwest - 0.  

Tell the Groundhog he can suck it.

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