Friday, November 4, 2011

My Little Man

If anyone ever needed proof that being an uncle can be one of the great joys of a man's life, they need  only read the following conversation.

It took place over text messages between me and my 8 year-old nephew Jack, who had swiped his mother(my sister, Jennifer)'s cell phone out of her purse while they were watching my niece's basketball practice....

Hello this is captain Jack I am at Haleys basketball practice


Um, Jen?  You can just let him call me, you know.  


......(blank text)


NO!  Uncle


Wait, this really IS my Jack?  Hi Buddy!  How are you?  Did you buy a phone?


No Im a kid!  Yes it is me guess who I get to be in our program?


Your program for school?  I'm excited - who do you get to be?


Abroham Lincon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

*yes, I counted out the exclamation points.

Abraham Lincoln?!!  Are you going to grow a big beard?


......(blank text)


NO!  Uncle. Mrs. Polsel has a costume for me but it is a bit stinky


You're stinky!  Ok, that's good - you're too young for a beard.  And they're itchy.


Your itchy

*(yes, my nephew is that cool)

Haha, yes I am.  When is your program?


Mommy says Novumber 10 and that she needs her phone back


Well you tell her I'm not done talking to you yet!


I told her and she made a face


Yeah, I know that face.  Well, I won't be home in time to go to your program, but make sure Mommy and Daddy take a lot of pictures for me?


Ok.Iwill make sure they do it.Now I have to go take a bath. By.


Bye Buddy, Love You!

Being an uncle has completely changed the concept of 'pride' for me.  I used to care about people finding it in me.  Instead, I am filled to the brim with it, every moment I spend with my Little Man.

Especially when I saw his Halloween costume.  


He will be admired throughout his life, of that I have no doubt.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Anniversary

One year ago today, I made great decision.  A mature, responsible decision that could only improve my life in almost every way.


I smoked my last cigarette.  

I previously posted about my quitting, and the troubles I had with it HERE.  I quit cold-turkey, and have not had a single puff since Halloween night, 2010.  It has been difficult, but I have a great support system, and I love the way that I feel.

Having said that, maturity and responsibility are somewhat of a rarity in my life.  So yes, by posting this, I am totally fishing for compliments.

You may begin.



**Blogger's Note - To my lovely V, thank you for being so proud of me.  You keep me strong.

Monday, October 10, 2011

iScared

Yeah, I know.  I should be drawn and quartered for that title.  But Steve Jobs' passing last week really brought a sad truth to light.

The future of this country rests on the shoulders of morons.

Don't get me wrong - I think Steve was a rather incredible individual.  Of course, I don't know anything about his personal life.  For all I know he could have been a lousy husband.  Or a closet racist.  Or a Yankees fan.  But I do know that he was a 'doer', the kind of cat who would get an idea in his head, and simply make it happen.  For that, I both envied and admired him.  And I was genuinely saddened at the news that he had passed.

Having said that, the legacy he left behind will, unfortunately and inevitably, be maimed by the very souls he bequeathed it to.  Because for every clear-eyed, industrious individual who uses technological wonders such as the iPhone or iPad to make their own dreams a reality - 100,000 dumbshit slobs will use the same devices to detach themselves further and further from the reality of everyday life.

When I got home from work last Wednesday and turned on the news, I was treated to an image of a pretty, 20-something young woman.  Standing in front of a building, crying.  She knelt down, wiping the tears from her face, and gently laid her old iPhone down upon makeshift shrine that had been constructed on the steps of the Apple Store.

Take a minute - I'll wait - and ponder the utter goddamn ridiculousness of that last sentence.


It's enough to make my head hurt.  Really?  That's how we are going to honor the man?  Old iPods and apples, huh?  And what is that?  Is that a fucking Smart Water??? 

That same girl was later interviewed.  Through tears, she told the reporter that it "...is just so sad.  Mr. Jobs, he just made everyone's lives easier.  I mean, I couldn't live without my phone.  Wouldn't want to."

I'll tell ya what I wanted to do.  I wanted to grab her and shake her.  Hard.

I would bet real money that girl, before Wednesday, couldn't have told you who the co-founder and former CEO of Apple was or be able to pick him out of a line up.  I would also bet that if tomorrow, the chick who plays the lead in Grey's Anatomy got hit by a bus (fingers crossed!), those same eyes would be even more red and puffy from all the weeping.

I realize that I am a bit cynical.  But I hope to hell I'm wrong about all this.  I hope that girl is actually an artist, or an inventor, or getting her education degree.  And if asked that annoying question, "If you could have lunch with anyone in the world, who would it be?"  I sincerely hope that her answer would be, "Either my Grandpa who died years ago or Steve Jobs."

But I'll tell ya what - I wouldn't count on it.  Thanks Steve, for spending your life making shit.  I want to follow your example.  From now on, I will try and stop lamenting that I have all these great ideas, but never the time or money to see them through.

Instead, I will try my best to just DO.  And I'll do it without shedding a tear.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Best. Post. Ever.

So I am off to Chicago tomorrow to see my Lady.  Really excited about it, as I only see her once a month.

But while engaging her this past week in a little bit of blogger back-and-forth (HERE), I was informed that the chances of me getting laid this weekend would increase exponentially if I were to post before the weekend.

So I just wanted to say.......Howdy.  See ya next week.


Monday, September 5, 2011

Reason # 472 That Life Was Better When I Was A Kid

25 Years Ago at the Box Office:
  • Stand By Me was the number one movie.  And River Phoenix was still alive.
  • Top Gun was #2.  In its 17th week in release.
  • The Fly was #3.  Geena Davis was still the largest woman in Hollywood.
  • Karate Kid 2 was #4.  Peter Cetera was a man...who would fight....for your honor....
  • Oh, and at #5?  Just a little flick called Aliens.  "GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH"
This past weekend, Shark Night 3D, Spy Kids 4, and The Smurfs were all in the Top Ten.  

I fucking hate the present.

Friday, August 26, 2011

She Likes Her Tundra Frozen

You may have noticed that I am not what you would call a pious man.  I'm not gonna lie, I left the Catholic church in which I was raised a long time ago.  And hell, I got out right before all that pervy priest man-boy-love that seemed to burst out in the late '90's.  Go me.

But that doesn't mean that I no longer have faith.  I do.  And it doesn't mean that I don't pray anymore - I do that as well, matter of fact.  I am a penitent man - to a deity who sees and knows all.  He is good and just.  And he performs miracles every Sunday - through the power of his enormous forehead.....


 Must be fuckin' football season...  

This is my religion.  This is my belief-system.  Don't you look down on my faith!  You pray to someone you've never seen or heard (other than in your head).  I pray to a man whose hand I've actually shook, and who sounds like....well, like a reject from Hee Haw.  But the brother can sling a spiral.

Last year, I got the season off to a bad start.  In fact, I may have brought a big old heaping pile of karma down on my team.  I should be ashamed of myself.

So how could I right the ship this year?  How does one bring balance to The Force that is the 2011 NFL regular season?

I'll tell ya how - you take it back to the source.  If you are going to practice your particular brand of pigskin theology, why not do it in the most respected church there is?


As it just so happens, my Girl is a shareholder.

Now, keep in mind, I am a Colts/Giants fan.  I am not a Packer fan.  But when you are in another man's house, you need to show some respect.  As soon as you get within ten blocks of the building above - you are reminded of college.  When you walked to the stadium, half-in-the-bag.  You joined complete strangers in singing fight songs and waving flags with pride.  It didn't matter what a person looked like or where they came from - as long as they were flashing your colors, they were family.  You get that feeling long before you even step foot in Vince's House, and you still feel it when you walk out.

So I have now been baptized.  My football sins have been forgiven, and to answer Hank William, Jr's question - you bet your ass I'm ready for some football!


It doesn't hurt that she looks awesome in green and gold.  

Have a good season.  Fuck the Patriots.








Monday, August 15, 2011

To the Death....

This post will make no sense without hearing the other side of the argument.  Read this breakdown of the actual event first, then come back.  Go ahead, I'll wait....

Got it?  Good.

I know, I know - you don't have to say it.  She's bat-shit crazy.  I mean, yeah yeah, she's fiery hot.  And she is typically rather open-minded and smart.  Not to mention she has a great rack.

But in this particular matter, well....she's off her damn rocker.  Even though the game took place over a week ago, the controversy continues to this day - neither party willing to back down.  It's like the Hatfield's and the McCoy's.  Coke and Pepsi.  Tom Brady and Heterosexuality.  An eternal battle between two powerful forces who will never give up the desire to vanquish one another.

It's very simple - you remember those standardized tests we took back in grade school?  They had these True/False logic questions that kind of insulted your intelligence, even when you were 10?  Well, they would go like this:

Bob is older than Sue.  Sue is older than Mark.  Therefore, Bob is older than Mark.  True or False?

The answer is:  True, obviously.

So, let's apply this logic to our scenario (V seems to have an unnatural obsession with pot-stickers, so we'll stick with that motif): 

Pot-stickers are appetizers.  Pot-Stickers are menu items.  Therefore, appetizers are menu items.

True or False?

The answer is:  V is a sore loser.

**Blogger's Note:  The bigger issue here is that V, the defeated party in said game of Scattergories (yes, even if you take away the point for 'appetizer', I still won) absolutely welched on the payment of the bet.

Yes, even on our dates there are stakes, resulting in opportunities for embarrassment and emasculation.  The loser of the game was to sing, "I'm A Little Teapot" on Skype for the other to view.  And point.  And laugh at.

Not only did she have the gall to claim she didn't know the lyrics (as if any such person exists, or at least doesn't have access to Google), she then had the audacity to REFUSE to do the teapot dance along with the song.

I know exactly what you're thinking, Dear Reader.  And you're right, she is just like Hitler.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Mi Casa es....Whose Casa?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the meaning of the word, "Home."  Simple word - one syllable, four letters.  It has been the subject of poems, songs - I heard they even flip 'em on tv.


"Home is where the heart is." - Pliny the Elder


Well, my heart is with my family - always.  So does that mean my 'home' is the house I grew up in?  Back in Everytown, Indiana - my parent's house, where they still kick it in their retirement to this day?  


That house is infested with memories.  I swear Mellencamp's Pink Houses plays in my head every time I walk in the door.  I can return after any length away, and immediately feel at peace.  Smell my dad's cooking.  Watch movies with my mom.  Play croquet with my niece and nephews in the back yard.  Perfection.


There is only one problem - it exists in the middle of Everytown, Indiana.  One side of town smells like the paper mill (which itself smells like a dirty asshole).  The hottest nightspot is the smoking section at the local Applebee's.  And worst of all, the entire town is chock-a-block full of everyone who's ever been photographed on People of Wal-Mart.  


I spent 24 years trying to get out of that particular 'burg.  And I did, ten years ago, to sunny California.  And I settled in another little (but altogether different) town.  


"Where thou art - that - is Home." - Emily Dickinson.


Gee, thanks Emily!  That really clears shit up.


I love the City of Dana Point.  It's beautiful, it's mellow, and it moves at my pace.  In truth, I don't know that I ever want to leave - because it is the kind of town I always saw myself retiring in.  Buying a boat.  Reading a paper while having brunch on the patio at Hennesey's.  Come the afternoon, shuffling down to Turk's, where the youngest waitress had her first shift when Carter was in office - and where they pour the drinks strong enough to make you feel like an adult.


But the problem with Dana Point?  The 589 square feet that make up my apartment.  The one that I pay $1200 a month for.  It's nice, don't get me wrong.  But it is by no means a home.  California is beautiful.  It has mountains, valleys, beaches and forests.  It also has a fucking outrageous average property value.  I can't afford a house out here - which in turn, makes it feel less and less like a home.


So is it the city you live in?  Is it the building you reside in?  Maybe it's being closer to those who mean the most to you.  Honestly?  I don't know.  Woodie Gutherie once sang, "I ain't got no home in this world anymore."  


I'm feeling ya, Woodie.  It may be time for me to start looking again.

Friday, July 29, 2011

HIDDEN GEMS II

Remember these???

SMOKE (1995)
Starring:  Harvey Keitel, William Hurt, and Harold Perrineau, Jr. (Michael from LOST!)
Directed By:  Wayne Wang
Running Time:  112 minutes

Why?:  Two Reasons

1.)  It is made up of so many honest, personal moments.  Harvey Keitel's Auggie explaining how he takes black & white pictures of 'his' little street corner in Brooklyn, every day.  Forrest Whitaker explaining why God took his arm away for being a bad man.  Cigar store patrons debating the finer points of why baseball was better back in the day, or the experience of smoking their first cigarette.  Sound boring?  WATCH IT.

2.)  The movie centers around a cigar shop and it's patrons.  And every one of them smokes in a different way.  Love that little detail.  And it's a love poem to Brooklyn.  And the soundtrack rocks (Jerry Garcia Band, baby)

Check the trailer:



Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Top 5 Signs You're a Big, Fat Bachelor Cliche

1.)  Fridge - Meat on the right, bread on the left.  Booze and mixer in the middle.  There may be some cheese in there...


2.)  Grill - by far the most utilized 'appliance' in the place.


3.)  A perfectly made bed.


4.)  Bathroom - toilet seat up, toilet paper roll on counter, just above the empty TP holder.


5.)  Last movie watched in the Blue Ray player...

Fuck.  Ok, maybe not your typical bachelor.....

Monday, July 25, 2011

Moving Too Fast

Ferris Bueller said it best...HERE.

Two things happened since my last post that - had they happened 4 years ago - would have sent me right over the fuckin' edge.

Wait, I should take you all back a bit....

...back to when I turned 30.  I, of course, handled this momentous occasion with all the dignity and maturity that those who know me personally have come to expect - meaning I locked myself in my room for a full week with several bottles of Jack Daniels and a collection of classic films and half-heartedly attempted to drink myself to death.

Not like a suicide attempt - that's cowardly.  More like an experiment to see whether it was possible to call out Nicolas Cage's character in Leaving Las Vegas, and make him look like a pussy.  Minus, of course, the shopping cart and the exceptionally hot hooker.  Although now that I think about it - that would be a far better way to spend a birthday....

It was probably the most selfish and stupid week of my entire life, despite all of the great flicks.  Cause there is no doubt in my mind - my 30's have been the best decade of my life.  And I'm not even halfway through yet.  Imagine the possibilities.

Last week, I turned 34.  My girlfriend came and co-habitated with me for a week.  My two best friends (and neighbors) moved away, leaving this Man Child to fend for himself like an adult.

And you know what?  My woman staying with me?  It fucking ROCKED!  The only hitch was that my apartment is so small that there really isn't any place for her to go when I have to use the restroom violently.

And my best friends?  I couldn't be more proud to be on hand to send them off into their newly married life; because they are soul mates who could do this whole marriage, family, and responsibility thing fucking blind-folded.

So what about me (he asked selfishly)?  Well, back in the day, and after I turned 30, My Melancholy Self wrote the following line, "... it is on these occasions that my mind, my body, and my spirit feel aged. And I wonder if my best, most creative, most attractive, and most exhilarating days are no longer on the horizon in front of me, but rather in the rear-view mirror, growing smaller and smaller until they slip out of my view and drift from my memory." 

Nope.  I was wrong!  As my hero Alfredo James Pacino once said, "I'm just gettin' warmed up....."

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

As Good As It Gets

Sorry for the black out, people.  I was on vacation.  

You see, my mother likes to save up for two years, and then rent out a different house in this little community in Virginia Beach for a week.  It's becoming a tradition.

This year?  19 of us, in a house that holds 22.  Right on the sand - with two pools, two hottubs, and a tiki bar.  My immediate family, my sister's in-laws, some aunts and uncles.  Oh yeah - and one incredibly brave girlfriend.

Could've been a recipe for disaster.  But honestly, I came away with only one question.

What is bliss?

Is it a pimped out summer house?

A big whiskey on the patio

Endless photo opportunities


Realizing what a polite young lady she's becoming

Or what a little gentleman he's always been

Or that he very well could be President some day...

Maybe bliss means realizing that I am the biggest kid of all?

Or remembering how much I miss thunderstorms

Or what it's like to get up early and take pictures of a sunrise

Or dance the hula while drinking out of a plastic pineapple

Or spend quality time with the two people who made me who I am today

Or cherish the minutes with the one who makes me want to be a better man tomorrow

Shit - that's a lot of ponderous answers to one simple question.  

What does it mean to you guys?  I would love to hear your thoughts.

Friday, May 13, 2011

My Porcine Prejudice

I try not to use the word 'hate' too much.  Especially about another being.  I feel like it can come back to bite you in the end - Karma being that dirty bitch, and all.  Besides, unless someone has truly - and intentionally - wronged me, what good does it do to keep that kind of rage in my heart?

But this one guy....dammit, I just can't help myself.  I LOATHE him.  I see him almost every day.  He can send me into a rage, just with a chuckle.  Goddamn it, I swear, that little laugh - it makes me want to rip his tongue out of his mouth.  I'm not kidding.

But you want to know the worst part?  Son of a bitch has never spoken a word to me.

So how can I be so petty?  How can a semi-intelligent adult man allow such anger and fury rise in him just at the sight of one individual?  Well, take a look.


Motherfucker.  I am SO gonna sling a bird up your ass.....

Saturday, April 23, 2011

It's Alive! ALIVE!!!!!

Have you watched the Sci-Fi Channel lately?  Or whatever they call it these days - Syfy?  That's so stupid - it looks like it should be written in balloon letters...


Oh, looks like they're way ahead of me...

But I'm getting off topic.  Despite their total lack of ingenuity when it comes to monikers, the 'Syfy' channel is currently putting out some of the greatest entertainment available to the public.  

Check this out:


YES!  From the people who brought you Mansquito and.....

...Piranhaconda!


It's genius, pure and simple.  I have now discovered my new mission in life - to write the next great Syfy Cheese-Fest.  I'm serious, it is taking over my life.  I can't sleep.  I mean, the possibilities are endless....

PLUS


GIRRAFFACUDA!

NO WAIT!

PLUS


OXTAPUS!!!!

Oh wait....no.  These ideas are terrible.  I have it - the one movie cheesefest to rule them all.  I want it to star Dean Cain and Lisa Loeb (they always throw in some one-hit-wonder 'musician').  They are a pair of freshly divorced anthropologists who are called in to investigate a series of horrible mutilations along the southern coast of Virginia.  The guy who played Cousin Larry on Perfect Strangers will be cast as the CEO of a large  evil corporation who illegally disposed of toxic sludge off the coast of Virgina Beach.  Because of his arrogance, the beach goers will be terrorized by none other than....

......ARACHNIPOTAMUS!!!!

**Artist's Rendering

Leave me alone, I've been drinking and I used a magic marker.  This is going to be the next Tremors, you just wait and see....


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Why I am....The Luckiest

I had a bad day today.  You know the type - something tiny, yet shitty, happens first thing in the morning (usually during your commute).  Then you get to work, and that tiny, shitty little thing apparently called all his buddies, and gave them all your work address, cause they keep showing up all day, making your very presence on this earth feel difficult.

I've said it a million times.  Throw a hostage situation, a school bus fire, or even the 2012 Mayan 'end of days' scenario at me, and I'm betting you won't even notice me break a sweat.  However: ensure that my favorite flavor of Gatorade isn't in stock at the AM/PM on the way to work?

I just may Lose. My. Shit.

Today was that day - every single little thing that could go wrong, went wrong.  The kind of day where you wonder if there is actually someone sitting on a cloud miles above your head, laughing his sick ass off and pulling your strings in every wrong direction.

I needed to leave the office.  And I had one thing that was going to make me breathe easier - I was going to buy Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part One I on BluRay on my way home.

Here's the point where you should take the time to snicker all you want - cause I don't care.  I am an unabashed HP fan.  And when you have been looking forward to something for days, and have the kind of day I had today - it gives you something to barter with.  A way of telling yourself that this day will get better, as long as you get what you want in the end.





SOLD OUT EVERYWHERE.






Now, it wasn't the lack of Potter that sent me over the edge.  It was just the proverbial straw.  And I was angry.  So angry that I practically threw a tantrum when I got home.  I texted my girlfriend to let her know that I was home, but angry - and proceeded to vent my frustration by going on the longest run that I have been on since my college soccer days.  I got back to my apartment, covered in sweat, feeling about 100 years old.

And my girl emailed me, cause she was worried about me.  And despite how creepy it may have been for her to make them - she sent me these pictures:



Because she is EPIC.  And because she had a pretty good idea that they'd make me laugh.  

They did.  Out loud.  And I feel better now.

That's why I'm The Luckiest.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Top 10 - Shitty Films I Can't Help But Watch Every Goddamn Time They Come on TV

You know what I'm talking about.  Sunday morning.  You wake up in your bed, under the covers, still wearing shoes.  The only way you can remember what you did last night is by reading the fading bar stamps on the back of your hand, like substance-abused version of the guy from Memento.

Making it to the couch is a monumental effort.  You try the Jedi Mind Trick on the remote, but it barely moves.  So you smash the 'Power' button and hope for the best.  And one of two stations is on.  TNT, or TBS.  Ted Turner owes me so many hours of my life back, it's not even funny.

10.)

Cause a grown man watching movies about teenage gymnasts is completely normal.  But hey, The Dude is in it.

9.)

Johnny 5 is alive!  Plus Steve Guttenberg.  ADMIT IT, you miss the son of a bitch.  And his perm.

8.)  

A movie about a goddamn huge crocodile.  In Maine.  And Betty White tells a guy to suck a dick.  Back when such a thought was out-of-the-ordinary.

7.)  

Flat out awful.  Gene Hackman collecting a paycheck.  The football footage from Point Break was better.  But it makes me cheer.

6.)  

Oh come on.  Dalton.  Greased up.  Rippin' throats.  'Nuff said.

5.)  

One of Jon Lithgow's most ridiculous performances.  Which is really saying something.  Makes you appreciate Stallone's 'subtlety'.  

4.)  

"Let off some steam, Bennett."

3.)  

Nerdy guy hangs out with a department store mannequin who comes to life - and as it turns out, she's a slut.  Only a guy could write that shit, right?  

Wait let me check IMDb...oh, I stand corrected!  It was two guys....

2.)  

Are you kidding me?  Without a doubt the best movie ever made about a talking monkey who helps a group of corporate-sponsored nitwits find lasers in Africa.  

What up, V.  Tell your sis I said hi.

Oh!  Fun Fact:  Take a closer look at the pilot of their plane into the Congo.  Look familiar?  I'll give ya a hint:  he's a "Son of a Son of a Sailor"....

1.)  And the winner is......

Where to begin?

Kevin Bacon's hair?  Kevin Bacon's accent?  Mr. Steven Keaton and Reba McEntire as married, gun-crazy hillbillies?  That little Chinese guy from The Golden Child?  And, oh yeah....gigantic, blind underground worms who eat white trash.  

Make some popcorn, fool - we're stayin' in tonight.

What about you guys?










Thursday, March 10, 2011

"They're coming to get you, Barbara!"

Got my mail today, and inside the box was a my favorite kind of mail - a manila package envelope marked 'Amazon.com'.  This week it was my Season One Blu-Ray of The Walking Dead.  Yup, I got an instant geek-boner, not gonna lie.



Re-watched the first episode.  I will tell you this - if there is ever a zombie-apocalypse, I am investing in two things, and two things only:

1.)  An electric car.

2.)  A sword.

Why?  Think about it.  Every goddamn zombie movie has that moment, where the hero's car is almost on 'E'.  He pulls slowly up to the deserted gas station - you can always hear the tires coming to a stop on the pavement, cause they need to remind us just how quiet it is.  TOO QUIET!

He tests the pump, just to be sure; always with this extreme look of disappointment on his face.  Of course there's no gas in the pump, Fucknut.  And I got more bad news for ya - chances are, there's a muthafuckin' zombie hanging out in the gas station bathroom.  And he's probably one of those gnarly ones whose mouth has deteriorated to the point where he has no lips - just a very large smile and gums.  So sad - the SOB attacks you where you're most vulnerable - on the shitter.

Apparently, most zombies, while no longer possessing higher brain functions, seem to retain their more white-trash sensibilities....

So an electric car - while you may not look cool, you will go farther in between fill-ups.  For once, the little metrosexual guy driving the Prius is king.

And the broad sword?  Think about it.  A gun runs out of bullets.  A bow and arrow can have an empty quill. Hell, even a sling shot is useless if you don't have a pebble.

But a broadsword?  Doesn't run out of shit - and it always has the power to do this:


In the immortal words of Mr. Tallahassee, "Time to nut up or shut up."

What would you bring, dear readers?


Saturday, February 26, 2011

The 1st Annual Clusterf*ck Awards for Cinematic Achievement!

Ok, February 27th is the big night.  Oscar night.  Most of you don't give a shit.  That's because you have lives.

I currently, do not.

But I get that many of you find them boring.  They have become a shiny example of all that's wrong with the industry in the first place.    If I want to see a room full of ridiculously rich, surgically altered pretty people have smoke blown up their ass for three hours, I'll go to 'Cougar Night' over at Beachfire in Ladera Ranch.

We need some awards that people give a shit about!  Who better to do it than someone with waaaaay too much time on their hands?

So, dear readers, I give you, for the first time, THE CACA'S!

Ok, the title needs work....

BEST FIGHT:

Winner:  Arthur (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and the nameless henchman - Inception


BEST SCENE OF GETTIN' IT ON:

Winner:  Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis - Black Swan


**A Special Honorary CACA to Mr. Darren Aronofsky for his amazing vision and foresight in coming up with this scene.  The male gender thanks you.


BEST USE OF THE WORD 'FUCK':

Winner:  'Bertie'; King George VI (Colin Firth) - The King's Speech:

"Fuck  Fuck!  Fuck, fuck, fuck, and fuck!  Fuck, fuck, and Bugger!  Bugger, bugger, buggerty, buggerty, buggerty, fuck, fuck, arse!  Balls, balls, fuckity shit, shit, fuck, and willy!  Willy, shit and fuck and.....tits."


BEST MOMENT OF GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE:

Winner:  Robin Longstride - or falsely of Loxley - (Russell Crowe) - Robin Hood:

Fuck YouTube - apparently, there's no video - but he shoots the guy through the face from about 1,000 yards.  Through the back of his neck and continuing on through his right cheek.  So cool.

RUNNER UP:

The Predator; like only he can do:


BEST FACT I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES THIS YEAR:

Winner:  The Kids are Alright:  Lesbians watch gay male porn.  Who knew?

RUNNER UP:  A tuna will destroy a lion, if not in a fresh water source (I'm assuming off the coast of South Africa).  9 times out of 10.


So there it is.  I loved The King's Speech - but if it beats The Social Network for Best Picture - I'll punch a small child.  Night everyone.





Thursday, February 24, 2011

Top Ten Movie Quotes of 2010

In honor of the Academy Awards this weekend, I am going to try and put up a movie post each day until Sunday.  Ok, yeah, it probably won't happen.  Fuck off, I'm trying!

Here are my favorite quotes from the various flicks of 2010.  By all means, feel free to add your favorites in the comments.


10.)  "Sunnyside is a place of ruin and despair, ruled by an evil bear who smells of stawberries." -- Mr. Pricklepants (Timothy Dalton), Toy Story 3


9.)  "This guy did not just get off the fuckin' couch.  If he did, I'm gonna get a couch like that." -- Mickey (Mark Wahlberg), The Fighter


8.)  "This meal is terrible.  It tastes like roasted dog asshole.  I asked myself, 'Who would slow-roast a dog's asshole and feed it to me'?  You would." --Allen (Will Ferrell), The Other Guys


7.)  "You write your snide bullshit from a dark room, because that is what the angry do nowadays." -- Erica (Rooney Mara), The Social Network


6.)  Stacey:  "Did you really see a future with this girl?"
      Scott:  "Like...with jetpacks?" -- Stacey and Scott Pilgrim (Anna Kendrick and Michael Cera), Scott Pilgrim vs. the World


5.)  "Oh my God!  I'm gonna cum!  Shia Lebeouf!" -- Lou (Rob Cordrey), Hot Tub Time Machine


4.)  "I think that if your clients want to sit on my shoulders and call themselves tall, they have the right to give it  a try - but there is no requirement that I enjoy sitting here, listening to people lie.  You have part of my attention - you have the minimal amount.  The rest of my attention is back at the offices of Facebook, where my colleagues and I are doing things that no one in this room, including and especially your clients, are intellectually or creatively capable of doing. [pauses] Did I accurately answer your condescending question?"  -- Mark Zuckerberg (Jesse Eisenberg), The Social Network


3.)  "There are very few fiddle tunes I've not heard.  Once heard, they are locked in my mind forever.  It is a sadness to me that I have sausage fingers that cannot crowd onto a fretboard....little fat girls at cotillion." -- Rooster Cogburn (Jeff Bridges), True Grit


2.)  "I'm 6'5", 220 lbs. and there are two of me!" -- Tyler Winklevoss (Armie Hammer), The Social Network


1.)  Kick Ass: "How do I get a hold of you?"
      Hit Girl:  "You just contact the mayor's office.  He has a special signal that he shines in the sky; it's in the shape of a giant cock." -- Hit Girl (Chloe Moretz), Kick-Ass



Friday, February 18, 2011

Look at This F*cking Clown.....

I don't have much in the way of fears.  Yeah, we've talked about my one true phobia before.  But I don't mind spiders or snakes.  Closed spaces don't make me break out in a cold sweat.  And I'm pretty much the opposite of those people who would rather kill themselves than speak in public.

I actually like to challenge the things that make my skin prickle.  Makes me feel like I'm in some semblance of control.  When I found out as a young kid that I had a paralyzing fear of heights?  I solved it by jumping out of a plane (it works, trust me).

Now, I'm not trying to convince all of you how tough I am.  As a matter of fact, I should have actually begun this post by saying, "I don't have much in the way of rational fears".

Spiders, heights, water - those are BOR-RING.  It's the irrational creepers that keep life spicy.  What do I mean?  Glad you asked.

My friend 'C' is reduced to jelly when she gets anywhere near a goose.
NOT THAT GOOSE!

Better.  

One of my ex-girlfriends would lose-her-shit when, in traffic, I stopped under an overpass on the freeway.  Because of possible earthquakes.

And the best one?  My 'V'?  Absolutely terrified of....Kevin Spacey.  The toughest woman that I know is plum terrified of Hopper from A Bug's Life.  Yup, back off fellas, she's all mine....

So what am I getting at?  Well, for a guy who likes to attack his fears head on, and steam full ahead when in situations that some might balk at?  There is one thing that reduces me to a puddle of goo:


JESUSCHRISTFUCKINGSHIT!!!  

(Panting.....)

Whew.  Sorry about that little outburst.  Didn't mean to offend you religious folk.  But dammit, he still gets to me.  I would like to introduce all of you to Pennywise.  He is the immaculately evil clown from Stephen King's IT.  Holy hell in a hallway, I hate this sonofabitch.  

Last night, like the sometimes self-loathing individual that I can be, I popped the movie in (although the book is far more terrifying), and settled in to finally get over this fear.  I mean, he's a fictitious demon circus performer.  I can beat this!  I am a responsible-ish, 33 year old man!

Yeah....no.  Made it through 23 minutes and 17 seconds.  And I literally checked under my bed before climbing into it.  That's the bullshit thing about fear - there's nothing rational about it. 

 Damn you, Pennywise, you win again.  This time.......


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