Wednesday, September 29, 2010

My Open Letter to Friggin' Facebook

Dear FaceBook:

This is hard for me to write.  Things aren't good.  Well, to be honest, they haven't been good for a long time now.  Let's face facts.  The shine has worn off.  The polish is off the apple, as they say.  We don't talk, and the passion has dwindled.  I don't know how to say this....but I have been considering breaking up with you for a long time.  It's not you, it's me.  No, that's a blatant fucking lie.  It is totally you.  You're kind of a bitch.  But you still have sex appeal, so....

I made up a Pro's and Con's list to help me make this decision.  I am going to share it with you:

Pro - You give me an outlet to be perverted in a public forum (I thank you).

Con - You give others an outlet to post quotes about their faith in a public forum (makes my scrotum shrivel).

Pro - You allow me the opportunity to ogle over women that I have never met.

Con - You allow those that I have dated in the past to leave snide comments on seemingly innocent posts.  Like when a certain someone, who has since been removed from my friends list, responded to my comment about my nephew's birthday with the eloquent phrase, "Drew totally had whiskey dick the last night I stayed with him."

Well DUH....

Pro - Ever since my amazing Godson moved to Colorado, you allow me to see him playing, laughing, or stuffing those little cheddar fish into his mouth via pictures.

Con - Ever since I moved here from the Midwest, people seem to find pictures of me in sleeveless T-shirts with an oh-so-sexy farmer's tan, and post them as if it's funny.  California girls aren't in on the joke.  Quit destroying the tiny bit of game that I posses.

Pro - You are a source of entertainment!  I get to check out funny videos of fat people falling down and live look-ins of bands/artists that I will like for the next 15 minutes and then totally forget about.

Con's - You are a source of entertainment to stupid people!  You know the the ones I'm talking about, those who post videos of their dog barking - and insist that it sounds like he's saying, "Mommy" or "I love you."  Friggin' idiots.

Alright, fine.  I'm a nice guy, and I forgive.  Against my better judgement, I'm gonna go ahead and give you one more chance.  Because I'm shallow.  Because I'm arrogant.  And because, well, let's face it, you are the only action I get these days.  Just don't fuck it up, ok?  And for Bob's sake (why should Pete get all the love?), I have never, and will never, own a farm.  Nor will the idea of owning a virtual version of one ever appeal to me.  I'm from the Midwest - they smell like shit.

So stop embarrassing yourself, and make sure to remind me when it's one of my friend's birthdays.  Text me when you're tipsy.  Peace out.


Heather Howell said...

"Text me when you're tipsy" HA. Entertaining post!

*uncorked said...

I was really expecting your pros and cons to be in more of a list format. I fell back in love with FB when they added the "hide" feature so I could hide those people (my sister) who put up disgusting status updates about their pregnancy.

Great post. I'm going to FB now to poke you.

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