Monday, August 2, 2010

I'd Be the Worst Father....


My Most Important


I love kids, man.  I love everything about them.  The way they laugh at things that may not even be funny, simply because they like to wake up the room and remind everyone that they are still there.  The way they tell a joke; it doesn't even have a beginning or an end - it's like listening to a pothead try and give you directions.  Overall, I just love the way they look at life without the burden of having lived too much of it.

Now, before you get a creepy vibe, I am not a pederast.  I don't subscribe to 'hottoddler.com' or anything (please, please, please, don't let that be a real site). I am talking about the way you can't help but smile when you see a baby with a faux-hawk being pushed in a stroller down the street.  Or they way my niece blushes when I call her 'my girl'.  I am talking about the kind of joy that only an uncle or godfather can find in dealing with children.

I put it that way, because I am not a father.  And I don't think I will ever truly want to be.  The joy that a father finds in his children?  That is an emotion that I am certain is truly indescribable and euphoric - and that I don't know that I ever want to experience.  Does that sound like a contradiction?  Well, it is, and I have struggled with it for 10 years now.

The feeling that came over me when I first held my newborn niece?  No way I can put it into words.  It was like my entire body became warm in a way that I had never known.  Have you ever been to a hypnotist?  Or at least seen a movie about one?  I have been to one.  They tell you to close your eyes, and to imagine your body becoming totally relaxed, starting with your toes, up your legs, etc.  That's exactly how it felt, minus the bullshit that is the entire concept of hypnotism.

But here's the thing:  I don't have the patience for it.  I don't even want a dog.  I am now 33 years old (Just like Jesus!  Oh wait, what age did he die again?), and I keep expecting this attitude to change, like everyone always told me it would.  But it never does.  It doesn't matter that all of my friends are getting married and having kids.  It doesn't scare me that I will be the only one without.  I do have the desire to pass on what I have learned; to watch in awe as my son gets his first single in Little League, or gets all excited and nervous to go on his first date.  I want the pride, but not the responsibility.

My parents were the most incredible ever.  Don't fucking argue with me, this ain't your blog, you have no say.  So why don't I want a child?  I have the best role models on earth.  Who have, in turn, become amazing grandparents.  Is it selfishness?  Is it immaturity?  Is it wisdom?

I leave it up to you.  A bottle of JD to anyone who gives me an answer that truly helps me figure this shit out.

10 comments:

*uncorked said...

"Is it selfishness? Is it immaturity? Is it wisdom?"

None of the above. It's knowing yourself and understanding what you want for your life. I get this all the time too because I don't want kids, but fell head over heels in love with my nephew. My family sees me with him and always think I've changed my mind, but as much as I love him and spending time with him, he has only actually made me feel stronger about not wanting kids of my own.

Or maybe we're just fucked in the head. And if that's the case, which I suspect it is, we probably shouldn't procreate anyway. Great post - adorable kids.

T said...

Is it selfishness? Is it immaturity? Is it wisdom?

I actually don't think its any of the above. I don't even have a word to describe it. Like you, I never wanted children. Mostly because at a young age (19 yrs) I was told that the chance of me ever having children would be slim to none. So I think I built this wall around the possibility of it ever happening. Like you, I love children. Adore them. But until I became pregnant (opps!) I didn't want that responsibility either. And actually throughout my whole pregnancy, I was terrified that I wouldn't have those "ahhhh feelings" that everyone says you have the moment you hold your child. But I can say one tihng, now that my son has entered the world, I can't imagine my life without him. Of course, its only been three weeks and I guess my feelings could change......just kidding! Its amazing to look at such a small little human and a) know that I created such a little person and b) am responsiblity for making him a responsiblity, respectful and interesting fine young man.

Its a tough job and I can only hope that I can live up to be a great mother. All I know is I will try my best. I hope that one day...... Andrew James Derby.....you too will experience the joys of being a father.

家唐銘 said...

愛情是盲目的,但婚姻恢復了它的視力。..................................................................

DSS said...

I have bounced back and forth on the concept of having children for my whole life. I love my godchildren. I adore spending time with them. But I also love spending money on me, and traveling, and not having any other "responsiblities" other than my job and my puppy. Because really, he is enough responsiblity for this girl.

I think some people are just made to appreciate children, and not necessarily to have them.

My last boyfriend did not agree. I tried really hard to want a child. For him. But in the end....

秀珮黃黃秀珮黃黃秀珮黃黃 said...

Cheek brings success.............................................................

said...

當一個人內心能容納兩樣相互衝突的東西,這個人便開始變得有價值了。............................................................

守何何何韋 said...

我在戀愛著?--------是的,因為我在等待著.....................................................................

佳張張張張燕張張張張張 said...

一個人的際遇在第一次總是最深刻的,有時候甚至會讓人的心變成永遠的絕緣。......................................................................

Rebekah said...

I just ran across you from V's post, and I totally get this. I absolutely adore my niece and nephew, but lately, I've been questioning what kind of mother I would be. I've always wanted children, but my sister's kids kind of de-romanticized the concept. They made that shit real. My husband wants kids -- in 5 years or so -- so it's not something we have to deal with anytime soon. But I think, like V said, it's knowing yourself and knowing what you can provide for another person. I think it's unselfish to know you would feel euphoria but give that up because you couldn't be the kind of parent you would want your child to have.

mDuBm said...

O Drew... These questions will only reach clarity if it happens. I myself did not want children or an animal of any sort. But then, surprise, not one but two at the same time?!?! You know how the story goes. I didn’t have an immediate bond with them either. I mean, I loved them, but I think it took me about 3-6 months before I got “that feeling”. It’s the one you can’t really put into words possibly along the lines of the euphoria you speak of, which concurrently sounds equivalent to that of a Dilaudid IV drip. Anyway, I love my kids but can't say that I would feel the same about other children prior to having my own. I was good with kids but never a desire to having them. The reasons all varied and honestly what ever your reason it doesn't really matter. It doesn't make you better if you do and less of a person if you don't. I think the real dilemma would be with conflicting opinions between ones self and a significant other. That could be an issue and rise questions that you would need to then address on a whole other level. I am not going to tell you one day your opinion will change because it probably won’t. It really has become more of a philosophical question of life these days than anything else. You don’t have any farms you need to tend to and the planet is pretty well populated… Selfish? Why would this be considered so? You have made a current choice and it doesn't affect a soul even the ones who think it does. Through my experience I have found a choice becomes permanent within the presence of a decision that has to be made. You don’t have to make that decision. You are not affected since you don't seem to want this and don't know different, at the same time having the benefit to live vicariously without all the extras. Immaturity isn’t really an issue here. Wisdom well... that all begins in wonder and it seems you have a handle on that. Weather or not it is linked to your decision, still unknown. We live our lives in the unknown and it can be a bitch, but O, look at the other side of the coin. If opinion is based on perspective and we all have different visions how could there be just one answer?

Related Posts with Thumbnails