Monday, August 2, 2010

I'd Be the Worst Father....


My Most Important


I love kids, man.  I love everything about them.  The way they laugh at things that may not even be funny, simply because they like to wake up the room and remind everyone that they are still there.  The way they tell a joke; it doesn't even have a beginning or an end - it's like listening to a pothead try and give you directions.  Overall, I just love the way they look at life without the burden of having lived too much of it.

Now, before you get a creepy vibe, I am not a pederast.  I don't subscribe to 'hottoddler.com' or anything (please, please, please, don't let that be a real site). I am talking about the way you can't help but smile when you see a baby with a faux-hawk being pushed in a stroller down the street.  Or they way my niece blushes when I call her 'my girl'.  I am talking about the kind of joy that only an uncle or godfather can find in dealing with children.

I put it that way, because I am not a father.  And I don't think I will ever truly want to be.  The joy that a father finds in his children?  That is an emotion that I am certain is truly indescribable and euphoric - and that I don't know that I ever want to experience.  Does that sound like a contradiction?  Well, it is, and I have struggled with it for 10 years now.

The feeling that came over me when I first held my newborn niece?  No way I can put it into words.  It was like my entire body became warm in a way that I had never known.  Have you ever been to a hypnotist?  Or at least seen a movie about one?  I have been to one.  They tell you to close your eyes, and to imagine your body becoming totally relaxed, starting with your toes, up your legs, etc.  That's exactly how it felt, minus the bullshit that is the entire concept of hypnotism.

But here's the thing:  I don't have the patience for it.  I don't even want a dog.  I am now 33 years old (Just like Jesus!  Oh wait, what age did he die again?), and I keep expecting this attitude to change, like everyone always told me it would.  But it never does.  It doesn't matter that all of my friends are getting married and having kids.  It doesn't scare me that I will be the only one without.  I do have the desire to pass on what I have learned; to watch in awe as my son gets his first single in Little League, or gets all excited and nervous to go on his first date.  I want the pride, but not the responsibility.

My parents were the most incredible ever.  Don't fucking argue with me, this ain't your blog, you have no say.  So why don't I want a child?  I have the best role models on earth.  Who have, in turn, become amazing grandparents.  Is it selfishness?  Is it immaturity?  Is it wisdom?

I leave it up to you.  A bottle of JD to anyone who gives me an answer that truly helps me figure this shit out.
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