Wednesday, May 12, 2010

My Cop Out

Ok, so this is kind of cheating.  I promise, as of June 1st, I will throw myself at this blog again.  Until then, however, I am going to put up old shit that people may have seen before, but you newbies haven't.  At least its something, cause I need to keep this going - putting my thoughts on paper allows me to control when and where I let them escape the hole in my face.  So this is my 2007 End of Year Rant, written in early '08 (hence why it's a little dated).  Hope you enjoy...
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2007 is about to end. I remember thinking a month or so ago that this year had been kinda dull. That I didn't have a lot of memorable experiences - no crazy stories to tell. But the more I think about it, ole '07 was a bit of a life changing year.
Mainly because I turned 30. Very ungracefully, I might add. I have been alive for 3 decades. 10,950 days. 262,800 hours. 15,768,000 minutes. 946,080,000 seconds. Here are some of the things that happened AFTER I was born:

1.) MS-DOS was invented

2.) Cabbage Patch Kids

3.) Pope John Paul II! Seriously, before 1978 he was known as Karol Józef Wojty.

4.) PacMan

5.) Pink Floyd's 'The Wall'

Needless to say, I struggled with it. Never more so than when I unexpectedly woke up on my couch with a 19 year old girl (I promise, she looked and acted much older). Although nothing happened, I thought to myself, "When did I become a creepy old guy?" I have a back problem, an emerging bald spot, a 401K, and a bedtime during the week. And, God/Buddha/Allah/Peyton Manning help me, there are even times (THOUGH RARE, DAMMIT) when I have reason to be fully erect, but Mr. Pointy only feels like putting in half the effort. It's thoughts like these that caused me to spend two weeks holed up in my room, watching old movies with a whiskey and water, and wondering if that birthmark on my arm really had changed color, or if I was just being paranoid.

But then I took a look at my friends, the people who I enjoy spending time with, the people who really matter to me. And I realized that they all fall into two categories. Those who were younger than me, but act older than their years. And those who were as old (or older) than me, who were just big kids at heart. And I realized that the old adage was true - you are only as old as you feel.

What they don't tell you, however, is that every day is different. Some days, when I wake up in bed still wearing my coat and shoes, or relish in the fact that I just said something completely inappropriate at a corporate function, or get in the shower in the morning and wince with delight as the hot water reminds me of the claw marks on my back - I feel like that big kid. The one that still yells at people if they try and talk to me while I am reading Harry Potter for the 7th time. The one that still reacts to my Colts losing a football game by striking an inanimate object. And the sorry sap who still giggles like a school girl anytime someone uses any one of the seemingly endless variations of the word "poo".

On the other hand, there are also those days when I bend over to tie my shoes and my back goes out. Or I yell "Fucking teenagers!" when one of them cuts me off on the freeway. Or when I notice a really hot girl walking down the street, only to realize that she is coming from the direction of Dana Hills High School - it is on these occasions that my mind, my body, and my spirit feel aged. And I wonder if my best, most creative, most attractive, and most exhilarating days are no longer on the horizon in front of me, but rather in the rearview mirror, growing smaller and smaller until they slip out of view and drift from my memory.

When I realize that I am having one of those days, one word always comes to mind. A great word - a word that expresses anger, joy, and surprise. A word that can be used as a noun, verb, or even a greeting. A word used by poets, politicians, and streetwalkers alike. And that word is.....Fuck.

So yes, it is true, you are only as old as you feel. But regardless of how optimistic you are, there are going to be days when life is going to do its very best to remind you that most of the "firsts" in your life have already happened; and that each year brings on more responsibility, more reasons to be cautious. So it isn't whether or not you say that wonderful four letter word; it is what you do after saying it. Are you going to immediately go lie on the couch, watch an old Saved By the Bell episode, and let the highlight of your day be when you finally allow yourself to scratch that itch that is hovering dangerously close to your butt-hole when no one is looking? Or are you going to go run on the beach, call an old friend, and then go out to a bar and hit on the first girl/guy you see that looks like they got in with a fake ID.....just cause you can?

So before I end with a list of the things I learned in '07, I will raise a glass to '08, and hope that it allows me to spend part of it with each of you. Cause all of us big kids, or young adults, we need to stick together. Experiences are what your life is made up of. But honestly, think back to all of your most memorable experiences....go ahead, I will wait.  Now count how many of them happened while you were alone. Probably precious few.

2007 proved to me that:
1.)  Men and women will never, ever be on the same page. Kudos to those of you who are still making your relationships work, and to those who were smart enough to get out cause it just wasn't working. My advice?  Grab onto the nearest guy or girl who makes you smile, and just go along for the ride. And give them a nice, hard slap on the ass while you're at it.

2.)  The days of looking up to professional athletes are all but over. So quit your bitching, enjoy the game, and if you need a role model, hang out with an elementary school teacher or volunteer firefighter.

3.)  My niece and two nephews may just be the most incredible human beings that ever lived.

4.)  Celebrities are so much more boring than they used to be. Remember when a celeb scandal meant Kurt Cobain putting a bullet in his temple, or OJ very slowly fleeing in a Bronco after cutting two people's heads off? And I am supposed to freak over bald - ass Brittney Spears flashing her cooch for the 37th time? At least she did answer the age old question of whether or not the carpet matches the drapes. And for those of you who truly think Jennifer Love Hewitt is fat, I have three little words: Go. Fuck. Yourself.

5.)  MySpace, the New England Patriots, Grey's Anatomy, and dog-fighting are all things that Satan came up with while he was touching himself.

6.)  If you haven't seen it already, run - don't walk - to the nearest independent theater to see the film "Into the Wild".

7.)  When the SoCal wild fires hit, my friend and I contacted three agencies trying to volunteer some form of help. We were denied and told that, to be honest, they had so many volunteers that they were running into each other. Think about that and remember that humanity still has a chance, even if it is a small one.

8.)  The difference between a friend and and someone you dislike usually boils down to a misunderstanding or a mistake someone made that could probably be forgiven. Take another look at it, and be the bigger person. You can never have enough friends.

But then again, some people are just cock-suckers. Happy New Year.

1 comment:

*uncorked said...

I king of forgot about you (which is unacceptable). Come back soon. Though I've been gone too, so I guess I shouldn't throw rocks or some shit like that.

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