Saturday, January 30, 2010

My New Years Revolution

Hola, Aloha, Salut, Mambo, and Howdy! It has been exactly 50 days since my last post. I am one shitty blogger.

Before I bore the living shit out of each and every one of you with my series of 'Best Of' lists for the last decade (movies, tv, songs, etc.), I figured that I would write about - not my resolutions for 2010 - but my New Year's REVOLUTION. Seriously, my life is going to take a big turn this coming year, and I am ready and excited for it. I will be moving into my own place for the first time in 10 years, sans roommates. I will be putting down the cigarettes....so stay the hell away from me. I will be getting a new car. I will see some of my best friends marry, have children, and start their adult lives. It is a new decade, and for many, a fresh start.
But there are also many small changes that I plan to make, and I feel they are just as substantial. So here we go....

I, Andrew James Derby, being of sound yet substance-abused mind and body, do solemnly swear the following:
1.) I will never, ever again turn my television to MTV when 'Jersey Shore' is on. I caught five minutes to see what the hype was about. I turned it off feeling like someone had kick my intelligence in the taint. The only thing "The Situation" has going for him is that he bears a striking resemblance to Beeker from the Muppet Show. 
2.) I will learn to use my new Droid phone, if only to stop accidentally sending inappropriate texts to the wrong people. I am quite certain that my 50-something friend Greg did not need to hear about the unfortunate 'period-sex' incident that I experienced a couple of weeks ago. Sorry Greg, but just in case you were wondering, yes, I did finish.
3.) I will start spending those rare nights when I have the house to myself by writing - which, other than my ability to pee sideways (yet still into the dead center of the bowl, with a little strategic manuvering), may be my only talent.  Which means I have to stop spending said nights by getting blitzed, watching 'Rent', and singing show tunes at the top of my lungs. Not only does it piss off my neighbors, but questioning my own sexuality in the morning makes my hangovers that much worse.
4.) My diet.  Whoo boy, this is one of those occasions when I pull back the curtain just a smidge too far.  My diet consists of the five basic food groups:  Bacon, chicken, pepperoni pizza, pasta, and Chinese food.  It's a goddamn miracle that any woman has ever swallowed me a second time.  Must be my sparkling personality.  Anyhoo, let's just say that if I had to describe myself in 10 words or less, the word "regular" would not be an integer in the personal equation.  I vow to introduce some veggies, some fruit, and maybe even toss a little fiber into the mix.  Of course, I will continue to wash it down with a tall glass of Jack Danies and water.  Fuck off, the way I see it, I am hydrating myself while drinking.  Life is too short to worry about how I am going to feel tomorrow morning.

5.)  Finally, I am making this promise to any woman who may have the truly poor judgement to hook up with me this year.  I swear, on Peyton Manning's throwing arm, that I will not EXPECT you to turn crazy, desperate, clingy, or slutty for slutty's sake, despite the fact that I have not dated a woman who doesn't possess one of those qualities in 32 long years.  My mother tells me, ad nauseum, that there is a woman out there who will knock me off my feet.  Who will turn my head in the direction opposite that of the Latin chick walking down PCH with her thong peeking out of her pants.  Opposite that of the redhead at the party who is still keeping my attention, despite the fact that she just called me 'Doug'....again.... and droned on for 20 minutes about how Jacob is better for Bella because he's more 'human' than Edward.  I really do believe you are out there, dear lady.  Preferrably with an English accent, an imagination, and a total lack of gag reflex.  But enough with my soft side....

So here's to all of our resolutions/revolutions - may each of you have the strength to improve your lives, and take that next step toward true contentment.  It's a hell of a lot easier than you think. 
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