Friday, December 4, 2009

Guess I should've done this earlier

In order to find inspiration for my writing (I know, these posts have been few and far between so far) I started checking out the blogs of other folks (*uncorked, keep it up lady, you're hot, smart, and witty). And I realized that most people wrote an initial blog describing themselves - an 'About Me' kinda deal. So.....

"About Drew."

I am a 32 year old man-child. I was raised by two incredible parents in Southern Indiana, in a town of about 35,000 people, where the opening of a Chili's or Texas Roadhouse counted as a media event.

Went to Catholic school for 8 years, and was even an altar boy. And before you ask, the priests did not touch me inappropriately. They insulted my intelligence on a daily basis, but that was as far as the abuse went. After 8 years of kneeling under a truly creepy statue of a grown man nailed through the palms of his hands to a giant plus sign, I learned the following three things:

1.) There was once a homeless, unemployed hippie, who could cure the blind with his touch and turn water into wine. And people followed him all over the world, despite the fact that he didn't even have a Twitter account.

2.) Forgoing material possessions and dedicating my life to poverty and humility will get me a one way ticket to the pearly gates and an eternity of bliss. But moving my hand back and forth on my own cock will get me thrown into a firey abyss, even if I do it in the shower for easy clean up.

3.) The answer to any difficult question about faith or the church can be summed up with one phrase, "The Lord works in mysterious ways." Which is a Catholic priest's way of saying, "Fuck kid, I don't know. I got into this for the free room and board."

Needless to say, I have distanced myself from from the church. I have moved on from putting my faith in J.C.; instead I deal with the demons in my head with a bottle of J.D. Hey, at least I know where my money is going now.

Getting back on topic, I am single, and have never been in love. Contrary to popular belief, I am not a commitment-phobe. I am just a fan of experiencing new people. A fan of that initial flutter in your belly when you kiss a new pair of lips. A fan of finding out what your date's naked body looks like for the first time. A fan of finding out surprise things about her, like she once spent a year exploring Spain on foot, or went through the police academy after college, or that she's a squirter.

After almost a decade spent as a restaurant/bar manager (cause I was all growns-up), I have spent the last 3 plus years in the fast-paced and exciting world of Insurance Consulting. Now, that isn't as boring as it sounds. It is far, far worse. But it's stable, and these days, that's all a man with no real ambition can ask for.

So what do I do in my spare time? I drink. I smoke (I know, gross huh?). I listen to good music and have an unhealthy obsession with the cinema. I like to sing, write, hike, go out with friends, or just kick it in the house with some board games. I am a sports fanatic, and I like to be active and outdoors, despite the black lungs and constant hangover. I am uncomfortable with all things on-line (ironic, huh?), and still read my newspaper everyday to find out what's going on in the world.

I believe that Lee Harvey Oswald was simply a patsy, and that O.J. Simpson was still funny in the "Naked Gun" movies, despite his penchant for cutting people's heads off. I believe in the death penalty, and marking degenerate sexual offenders with a little red dot over their homes on the internet. I believe that it is a woman's right to choose, but that the man should at least be allowed to have some input into the conversation. Despite the protestations of those "artsy" people I met in film school, I think that Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, and George Clooney are all terriffic actors. I firmly believe that while I have the right to slam the door in the face of any pushy door-to-door salesman, it is better for both parties if I just cut them off, tell them that I am in no way interested, and wish them good luck in a sincere manner.

I believe that any man who physically or emotionally assaults a woman is a coward. I believe that a woman can sleep with a large number of men and not be a slut. While I am heterosexual, I believe that if it was as socially acceptable for two guys to hook up as it has become for two women to do so, you would see a hell of a lot more guys whistling show tunes. I think that women can get anything - and I mean ANYTHING - they want by kissing another woman in public. And while I am absolutely one of those guys, I think we are fucking stupid for succumbing so easily.

I believe that if all women were to get together and decide that they are not going to pay attention to other women's toenail polish or designer handbags, they could do away with all of them and save thousands of dollars (Here's a tip ladies, unless the guy is gay or has a foot fetish, he doesn't give a rat's ass). I believe that when a woman says, "Size doesn't matter," she is lying to herself, cause a guy with a tubesteak who knows what he's doing in bed is better than a guy with a light switch down there who knows how to work it. I believe that lips are more important than the tongue when kissing; that sex is just as important to a healthy relationship as love is; and that men and women will never, ever GET each other - which is exactly why we need one another.

So there it is, I'll talk about high school and college and relationships and all that shit some other time cause in case you haven't noticed, I am a bit long winded. Until next time, let Uncle Drew give you one piece of advice to take to your grave:

If you are a guy, and are bored with your sex life with your girlfriend, talk to her. She is willing to do RIDICULOUS shit with you at least once, because she loves you. And you never know, she may find something that she likes.


*uncorked said...

Awww, you're too kind. Thanks for the shout-out and nice words. I also went to Catholic school when I was younger and came to many of the same conclusions you pointed out, but would like to add that the nuns only dye the tiny piece of hair. And you are so right about women getting anything they want by kissing each other in public. And we know this. And the smart ones use it well.

*uncorked said...

I meant to finish that sentence - they only dye the tiny piece of hair they have showing under the habit (I think that's what it's called). And it's super awkward to see them without it - it's an image that has haunted me for years.

lisa said...

Over14 years later.... shit I've known you for over half my life now!... I still love your writing. Lisa G.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

I just stumbled across your blog and have to say that is an entertaining biography. It's hilariously honest.

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