Saturday, January 18, 2014

Worst. Blogger. Ever.

Seriously, you have poor taste in blogs.  Don't get me wrong, I will love it if anyone actually takes the time to read my stuff again; I appreciate it more than you know.  But I've seen blogs where people post every week.  Hell, some every single day.  Granted, those people need to get a goddamn job, but you have to at least applaud their dedication.

My last post was 26 months and 6 days ago.  I'm fucking awful at this.  If blogging were an Olympic sport, I'd be Richard Jewel.  

See?  How bout that awesome reference from '96?  I'm a little off my game.  And completely out of touch with my followers - both of you.  So let me catch you up a bit, because 'Ole Clusterfuck has gone through somewhat of a life upheaval over the last two years.

When I began this little on-line walk of shame, I was a bitter 30-something toiling away in a job he didn't understand (or much care for) in sunny Southern California.  I was drinking constantly.  My favorite pastime was lounging on my balcony, staring at the ocean while listening to melancholy music and smoking an uncomfortable amount of cigarettes.  I spent all my money on Blu-Rays, feasted on a diet that consisted mainly of bread and salt, and occasionally put my thoughts down on paper.  If my buzz compelled me.

I was a bit of a louse.  I approached my love life as if I was trying to win a contest.  Sure, I spent time with friends and family, but my most cherished hours were spent alone, watching films or reading books or simply staring into space, having angry thoughts and wondering why I hadn't found an lucrative outlet for the creative side of my brain.  Then I met a Girl.

Now, if you were following back then, you probably could see a bit of a difference in my attitude after that post.  My world view....softened.  Things started changing, not only inside me personally, but in the life that I had built around me.  Turns out, I didn't have the slightest fucking idea how to make myself happy.  Thankfully, I have managed not to screw things up with the one person who did.

So what now, two years, two months, and six days later?  Well, I'm still bitter.  Still 30-something.  Still drink more than I should.  Still spend way too much money on Blu-Rays.  Still could improve the old diet, still can't stand my job.  Yet for some reason, that same Pretty Girl still lets me call her mine.

And she and I have made a few minor changes.

Now I haven't smoked in over three years.
Now I live in Chicago.
Now I have a house.
Now I have two dogs.
Now things are just, better.

If you read this blog because you liked  my crankiness, my pessimism, my potty-mouth?  Fear not, it's all still there.  Only now, I have real joy in my life, to offset all that.  I'm hoping it makes me a little less, I don't know - one-note.

So check back in if you can.  I'll try and make it worth your time.  Happy Belated New Year.

Friday, November 4, 2011

My Little Man

If anyone ever needed proof that being an uncle can be one of the great joys of a man's life, they need  only read the following conversation.

It took place over text messages between me and my 8 year-old nephew Jack, who had swiped his mother(my sister, Jennifer)'s cell phone out of her purse while they were watching my niece's basketball practice....

Hello this is captain Jack I am at Haleys basketball practice

Um, Jen?  You can just let him call me, you know.  

......(blank text)

NO!  Uncle

Wait, this really IS my Jack?  Hi Buddy!  How are you?  Did you buy a phone?

No Im a kid!  Yes it is me guess who I get to be in our program?

Your program for school?  I'm excited - who do you get to be?

Abroham Lincon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

*yes, I counted out the exclamation points.

Abraham Lincoln?!!  Are you going to grow a big beard?

......(blank text)

NO!  Uncle. Mrs. Polsel has a costume for me but it is a bit stinky

You're stinky!  Ok, that's good - you're too young for a beard.  And they're itchy.

Your itchy

*(yes, my nephew is that cool)

Haha, yes I am.  When is your program?

Mommy says Novumber 10 and that she needs her phone back

Well you tell her I'm not done talking to you yet!

I told her and she made a face

Yeah, I know that face.  Well, I won't be home in time to go to your program, but make sure Mommy and Daddy take a lot of pictures for me?

Ok.Iwill make sure they do it.Now I have to go take a bath. By.

Bye Buddy, Love You!

Being an uncle has completely changed the concept of 'pride' for me.  I used to care about people finding it in me.  Instead, I am filled to the brim with it, every moment I spend with my Little Man.

Especially when I saw his Halloween costume.  

He will be admired throughout his life, of that I have no doubt.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


One year ago today, I made great decision.  A mature, responsible decision that could only improve my life in almost every way.

I smoked my last cigarette.  

I previously posted about my quitting, and the troubles I had with it HERE.  I quit cold-turkey, and have not had a single puff since Halloween night, 2010.  It has been difficult, but I have a great support system, and I love the way that I feel.

Having said that, maturity and responsibility are somewhat of a rarity in my life.  So yes, by posting this, I am totally fishing for compliments.

You may begin.

**Blogger's Note - To my lovely V, thank you for being so proud of me.  You keep me strong.

Monday, October 10, 2011


Yeah, I know.  I should be drawn and quartered for that title.  But Steve Jobs' passing last week really brought a sad truth to light.

The future of this country rests on the shoulders of morons.

Don't get me wrong - I think Steve was a rather incredible individual.  Of course, I don't know anything about his personal life.  For all I know he could have been a lousy husband.  Or a closet racist.  Or a Yankees fan.  But I do know that he was a 'doer', the kind of cat who would get an idea in his head, and simply make it happen.  For that, I both envied and admired him.  And I was genuinely saddened at the news that he had passed.

Having said that, the legacy he left behind will, unfortunately and inevitably, be maimed by the very souls he bequeathed it to.  Because for every clear-eyed, industrious individual who uses technological wonders such as the iPhone or iPad to make their own dreams a reality - 100,000 dumbshit slobs will use the same devices to detach themselves further and further from the reality of everyday life.

When I got home from work last Wednesday and turned on the news, I was treated to an image of a pretty, 20-something young woman.  Standing in front of a building, crying.  She knelt down, wiping the tears from her face, and gently laid her old iPhone down upon makeshift shrine that had been constructed on the steps of the Apple Store.

Take a minute - I'll wait - and ponder the utter goddamn ridiculousness of that last sentence.

It's enough to make my head hurt.  Really?  That's how we are going to honor the man?  Old iPods and apples, huh?  And what is that?  Is that a fucking Smart Water??? 

That same girl was later interviewed.  Through tears, she told the reporter that it " just so sad.  Mr. Jobs, he just made everyone's lives easier.  I mean, I couldn't live without my phone.  Wouldn't want to."

I'll tell ya what I wanted to do.  I wanted to grab her and shake her.  Hard.

I would bet real money that girl, before Wednesday, couldn't have told you who the co-founder and former CEO of Apple was or be able to pick him out of a line up.  I would also bet that if tomorrow, the chick who plays the lead in Grey's Anatomy got hit by a bus (fingers crossed!), those same eyes would be even more red and puffy from all the weeping.

I realize that I am a bit cynical.  But I hope to hell I'm wrong about all this.  I hope that girl is actually an artist, or an inventor, or getting her education degree.  And if asked that annoying question, "If you could have lunch with anyone in the world, who would it be?"  I sincerely hope that her answer would be, "Either my Grandpa who died years ago or Steve Jobs."

But I'll tell ya what - I wouldn't count on it.  Thanks Steve, for spending your life making shit.  I want to follow your example.  From now on, I will try and stop lamenting that I have all these great ideas, but never the time or money to see them through.

Instead, I will try my best to just DO.  And I'll do it without shedding a tear.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Best. Post. Ever.

So I am off to Chicago tomorrow to see my Lady.  Really excited about it, as I only see her once a month.

But while engaging her this past week in a little bit of blogger back-and-forth (HERE), I was informed that the chances of me getting laid this weekend would increase exponentially if I were to post before the weekend.

So I just wanted to say.......Howdy.  See ya next week.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Reason # 472 That Life Was Better When I Was A Kid

25 Years Ago at the Box Office:
  • Stand By Me was the number one movie.  And River Phoenix was still alive.
  • Top Gun was #2.  In its 17th week in release.
  • The Fly was #3.  Geena Davis was still the largest woman in Hollywood.
  • Karate Kid 2 was #4.  Peter Cetera was a man...who would fight....for your honor....
  • Oh, and at #5?  Just a little flick called Aliens.  "GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH"
This past weekend, Shark Night 3D, Spy Kids 4, and The Smurfs were all in the Top Ten.  

I fucking hate the present.

Friday, August 26, 2011

She Likes Her Tundra Frozen

You may have noticed that I am not what you would call a pious man.  I'm not gonna lie, I left the Catholic church in which I was raised a long time ago.  And hell, I got out right before all that pervy priest man-boy-love that seemed to burst out in the late '90's.  Go me.

But that doesn't mean that I no longer have faith.  I do.  And it doesn't mean that I don't pray anymore - I do that as well, matter of fact.  I am a penitent man - to a deity who sees and knows all.  He is good and just.  And he performs miracles every Sunday - through the power of his enormous forehead.....

 Must be fuckin' football season...  

This is my religion.  This is my belief-system.  Don't you look down on my faith!  You pray to someone you've never seen or heard (other than in your head).  I pray to a man whose hand I've actually shook, and who sounds like....well, like a reject from Hee Haw.  But the brother can sling a spiral.

Last year, I got the season off to a bad start.  In fact, I may have brought a big old heaping pile of karma down on my team.  I should be ashamed of myself.

So how could I right the ship this year?  How does one bring balance to The Force that is the 2011 NFL regular season?

I'll tell ya how - you take it back to the source.  If you are going to practice your particular brand of pigskin theology, why not do it in the most respected church there is?

As it just so happens, my Girl is a shareholder.

Now, keep in mind, I am a Colts/Giants fan.  I am not a Packer fan.  But when you are in another man's house, you need to show some respect.  As soon as you get within ten blocks of the building above - you are reminded of college.  When you walked to the stadium, half-in-the-bag.  You joined complete strangers in singing fight songs and waving flags with pride.  It didn't matter what a person looked like or where they came from - as long as they were flashing your colors, they were family.  You get that feeling long before you even step foot in Vince's House, and you still feel it when you walk out.

So I have now been baptized.  My football sins have been forgiven, and to answer Hank William, Jr's question - you bet your ass I'm ready for some football!

It doesn't hurt that she looks awesome in green and gold.  

Have a good season.  Fuck the Patriots.

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